When Did s/he Give the Impression s/he Needed Your Advice?

“Deep listening is miraculous for both listener and speaker. When someone receives us with open-hearted, non-judging, intensely interested listening, our spirits expand.” ~Sue Patton Thoele

Sound Familiar?

Often times, I have found that when an individual chooses to invite someone into their private space whether for personal or for professional reasons, 9 times out of 10, s(he) only wants to talk and clear his/her mind.  Now, here comes the kicker in all this.  The one who is listening to what is being said -- often times -- automatically presumes that he or she has somehow received the green light to communicate their opinion, thoughts, and offer advice when in fact, his/her presumption couldn’t be more further from the truth.  

Allow me to draw you a picture in the form of a dialogue between two professional colleagues, using the pseudo names Bob and Rachel.

____________________________

Do You Want to Talk?

“The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn't being said.” ~Peter Drucker

Bob has had “THE” day of all days, filled with unwanted surprises, one shoddier than the other.  Just when he thought his day couldn’t get any worse, he gets a call from his attorney that “the deal” did not go through, the very deal he desperately needed to financially secure stuff at the home front as well as at the office.  He slams the door to his office, and literally closes himself off from the world at this point, not knowing what to think, how to feel, what to say, what steps to take next, completely in a state of shock, almost to the point of feeling numb. 

Just 30 minutes later, a close business colleague of his that he had not seen in over a year, decides to surprise him and pay a visit at the office.  Of course, she had no idea of the day he has had.  Filled with excitement, she charges into his office, only to find a dark space where the office blinds were shut tight, and him lying down on the floor, as if he was lifeless.  In that moment, she collects herself, tempers her joy, and softly calls out his name.  [WISE CHOICE by Rachel to temper her joy and to use a softer tone to greet Bob, creating a space of trust and comfort].

Rachel:  “Bob, its Rachel.”

Bob:  “Rachel, please don’t take this offensively, but can you come back tomorrow, or any other day but today?”

Rachel:   “No worries.  I’ll come back tomorrow then.”  [Again, wise choice by Rachel, not to question Bob, but to act on what he requested, leaving him room to breathe and think. So far so good, but then...]

Bob:  “WAIT!  Don’t go!  The truth is, your visit is the first good thing that has happened today, and what I said earlier, scratch it.  I was reacting from emotions.  You just caught me by surprise, and for what it’s worth, I’m glad you are here.” [Instead of roaring like a lion, Bob decides to share his space with Rachel. Result -- signs of calmness, comfort, transparency, authenticity, and trust are slowly beginning to surface and clear the air of tension... so far so good...let's see what happens next...] 

Rachel:  “Bob, do you want to talk?”  [Excellent choice of words to ask, “do you want to talk” as opposed to “are you ok” or “is everything ok”?  WHY?  Rachel in effect is respecting Bob’s space, as opposed to invading his private thoughts, leaving him room to make the decision if he wants to talk, free of judgment and presumption.  Secondly, Rachel is not coming off condescending or superior, but rather “human”, from a position of trust.  As you keep reading, see how Bob continues to open up just a little more…]

Bob:  “Well, not really.  Besides, I wouldn’t even know where to start.  All I can tell you for now is that I have had the day from hell, and just trying to collect the pieces, get up and push forward as if this day did not exist!  I feel like I’m in a nightmare and all I want to do is wake up and snap out of it…”

Rachel cuts Bob off and immediately says, “Let me tell you what works for me during times like this …Here is what I recommend …” [BUZZER GOES OFF…“WRONG MOVE” ….Although unintentional, Rachel just pushed Bob even further away the second she chose to go on autopilot and offer unsolicited advice.  When did Bob give the impression he needed Rachel's advice?]

____________________________

5 Take Aways:

While most of what I’m about to share with you may be construed as “known” knowledge, please remember that with practice, it becomes MORE THAN stand alone knowledge. What you will experience is “knowledge WITH deeper understanding, resulting in open communication with mutual trust"!

1.  Whether we are experiencing ups OR downs in business or in life, it is absolutely vital to be cognizant of one’s private space at all times.

2.  When someone chooses to openly share about his/her situation, particularly when the situation is not pleasant, PRESUME NOTHING!

3.  Listen with heart on a “human” level, and be present with him/her in that moment, eye to eye, ear to ear, heart to heart, mind to mind -- free of assumptions and judgments of any kind.

4.  Offer advice, share thoughts, or express your opinions only when asked. Even then, take measures to be certain that he or she is truly looking for advice, or seeking to find answers himself/herself.

5.   If you are a coach, mentor, counselor of any kind, be sure to keep your ego in check; better yet, throw it out the door!  Just because someone has chosen to talk with you, does not place you in a superior position, but rather in a position of TRUST – HUGE difference!  Recognize this distinction as it is critical for ongoing, trusted communications and potential referrals in the future. 

Did you find this article helpful? 
Post your comments below; we’d love to hear from you.

~Annie Armen

Related Articles and Quotes you may Find of Interest: 

1. Grab a Cup of Courage and Just Ask! 
2. 20 Quotes on COMMUNICATION in Business and in Life!  
3. 30 Quotes on COMMITMENT in Business and in Life!
4. That Does it... I've Had Just About Enough of This! 
5. Are you Working With a Resistant Employee? 
6. What is Your Definition of a Perfect Partnership in Business?

7. Stealing Business From Your Competition -- Ethical or Unethical?    

8. Do Childhood Prejudices Still Get in the way of Your Success?
9. Communicate Anyway
10. AnnieBiotics

When you hear the words, "I am a Life Coach" -- What thoughts come to mind? BE HONEST!

Dear Why Annie Armen Readers:

Just two weeks ago, I asked the following question on Linkedin:

When you hear the words, "I am a Life Coach" -- what thoughts come to mind?

To my unexpected surprise, 55 business professionals took a moment out of their hectic schedules to post their replies publicly, while several chose to respond privately.  Now I've decided to re-post this question on Why Annie Armen Blog, to extend the same opportunity to you.
  

When was the last time you experienced eyes rolling, or thinking silently within "here comes another one" the moment you heard the introduction: "My name is __________________, and I am a Life Coach.  How can I help you?"

We all know that this type of thinking extends toward other professions as well.  For the purpose of this discussion, I am choosing to focus on "life coach".  WHY?  I truly believe that your “honest” feedback here will provide insights to "genuine" life coaches, and no doubt will help their business in some way.

Again, be as HONEST as possible, communicating with respect and compassion! If you have a story to share, one that completely turned you off from working with life coaches, please do tell, without giving any names and in general terms.  On the flip side, if you have a story to contribute, one that moved you into productive action with results after working with a life coach, be sure to share this as well -- again, without revealing names... because the last thing you want is to be perceived as someone who is posting a plug on behalf of a friend/colleague to attract business for said life coach.  My hope is that your story will shed some light and resonate with hearts and minds currently swimming in the sea of confusion on this topic.

Both personally and professionally, I am always looking to connect with EXCEPTIONS TO THE NORM in every field, and I find that many professionals in specific fields (law, medical, insurance, just to name a few) go through similar unnecessary challenges simply because their profession has been negatively branded due to unethical practices by others, however to no fault of their own, and without WHY explanations.

Thank you all in advance for taking the time to contribute.  I truly believe your informative comments with feedback will help many professionals who are currently struggling in this particular field.  

Curious though …Do you have any solutions to share as well?

Fire Away and Pass it On!
~Annie Armen

Related Articles and Quotes you may Find of Interest: 

1. Grab a Cup of COURAGE and Just Ask!
2. 20 Quotes on COMMUNICATION in Business and in Life!

3. 30 Quotes on COMMITMENT in Business and in Life!
4. When Did s/he Give the Impression s/he Needed Your Advice? 

5. That Does it... I've Had Just About Enough of This!
6. Are you Working With a Resistant Employee?

7. Are you Leaving Your AUTHENTIC Mark?
8. Communicate Anyway

9. AnnieBiotics®

Flaunt Your Marriage!!!

How exciting to hear about two people who choose to stay true to their vows, who honor their commitments to one another, who choose NOT to give up when the going gets tough, and stick it out long enough to share in the many roller coaster adventures when riding this train called marriage!

Look, No One Said it Was Ever Going to be Easy! 

There are times when two people can’t get enough of one another, and then there are times where husband and wife are ready to duke it out (figuratively speaking of course), tempering themselves from having to strangle one another out of daily frustrations.  I suppose it all comes with the territory!  Gotta love being human!

Let’s face it … day in and day out, we hear about broken relationships, betrayals, lies, divorces, and more.  Why?  Here’s the unfortunate truth.  As much as people say they hate drama, it is the VERY event they are drawn to most!  On the one hand, many get all righteous and preach a good game!  Then, not 60 seconds later, he or she will turn the tube on, bump up the volume and intently listen to what’s happening in the lives of celebrities like Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, or watch Jerry Springer, and the like.  Does that make some of us hypocrites?  Without a doubt!  However, once again, gotta love being human! 

So, I decided since others are bountifully covering the "drama" sides of relationships, sex, lust,  and cheating ... I am choosing to celebrate YOUR marriage, YOUR anniversary!  Very rare we hear about or celebrate marriages that last.  WHY?  Probably because there is no juicy gossip, no drama involved, where lives can be wrecked in an instant for the vain purpose of drawing in a crowd to bump up ratings and pointless attention!  Seriously, pretty pathetic if you ask me.

Here’s the Bottom-line 

Staying married and making it work through thick and thin, is a HUGE commitment, HUGE accomplishment, one that is worth celebrating in a MEGA way, shouting through the roof tops! KUDOS TO ALL OF YOU WHO HAVE TAKEN THE MEANING OF RELATIONSHIP, THE MEANING OF MARRIAGE TO A WHOLE NEW LEVEL!

  

So by all means, FLAUNT YOUR MARRIAGE and introduce yourself here by posting your comments below!  What an honor to have this particular blog post with your marriage shout outs archived for the long-term, inspiring many across the globe! My prayer is for less divorce, less separation, and MORE anniversary celebrations throughout the world!

Challenge to Why Annie Armen Readers

What do you find to be the common denominators between achieving a successful marriage with your significant other in life, and achieving a successful marriage with your business?  How are the two connected, and WHY?

Fire Away!

~Annie Armen

Just Before 2011 -- Hurricane Truths Unleashed!

Just before heading off to a party here in San Diego, thoughts came storming through my mind and heart, literally like a Category 5 Hurricane… so much so that these thoughts moved me to stop everything, change plans last minute, head on back home, turn on this computer, to write and now share with all of you.

Folks, this is happening real time.  Will worry about grammar, spelling mistakes later as I do want to make sure and honor my commitment in attending my friend's gathering, although will be running a little late.

Allow me to get right to the point, without fluff.  If you can take it, great, if you can’t, also great!  No harm, no foul!  Many of you already know me for my hurricane reputation, so this will be no surprise to you!  Some of you have read about me being an irritational speaker aside from inspirational, motivational, yada yada yada… Well, you’re about to get a dose of “WHY”…  No sugar coating involved here!  All great reminders for all of us for the truths that I am about to boldly communicate in writing!

 

I don’t know about you, but I am personally tired of the diplomatically correct ways to express such truths in creamy cake layers with the hidden agenda of increasing traffic, leads, revenues, you get the idea, yet never truly getting the point across, due to all the sweet fluff, that has no real value for the long haul!  Quite frankly, I see through all that gunk and often bored to my wits when I hear speeches, read writings that are communicated in the form of a rose garden.

Well, that said, I am NOT sorry to disappoint for the truths that I am about to share with all of you, if it even comes to that!  Everything happens for a reason, and for these thoughts to suddenly hurricane its way to the forefront of my mind and heart, just half hour before I was going to go play drums, sing, and hit the party jam… that should tell you something, sure did me.  So here it goes!

1.  Value of our "TRUSTED" Friends
Folks, next to family, in other cases, more than family, is the priceless bond we share with those we choose as trusted friends in our lives.  My prayer for all:  Practice treasuring your friendships to an optimum level -- even MORE THAN -- dare I say … how you treat your “newer” clients.  With clients, yes, there is “revenues” involved, paying bills, more opportunities to explore, etc… GET IT, AND HIGHLY IMPORTANT to continue nourishing relationships with clients to further your business!  However, very rare when you find clients that turn into life long friends, or when you find service providers who turn into life long friends.  Personally, I have been BLESSED beyond measure with such relationships.

Be that as it may, on a general note, what I have seen since timely memorial is this:  When friends get to know one another more intimately with time, the values of respect, gratitude, appreciation, and the like begin to deteriorate through actions and increase with lip service.  Seriously, do we think for one second that our friends are fools?  Now who is the real fool?  Such RARE friends, who wrongfully receive the short end of the stick and yet choose to react with grace, unconditional love, and understanding ….FAR MORE than what is deserved … does not mean they are to be underestimated and taken for granted!  Such true friends have MORE character in their pinky, and we can learn a lot from such RARE friends.  For it is THOSE who place such friends in the back seat who are the true FOOLS -- all capitalized! 

What I find painfully unfortunate is this:  What increases is the attitudes of entitlement, taking friends for granted, expectations of understanding when business takes over, and so forth.  SAD and pathetic, truly!  I certainly do not excuse myself from this equation.  By nature, I am such a workaholic, that business, working 24/7 when I can is oxygen to me.  WHY?  Because I am living in my calling, enjoy tremendously every second of what I do where work is not work to me, and above all I know “Why” I am here for this has been my life long quest since the age of 5, and the answer did not just appear over night.  HOWEVER… make no mistake, in 365 days, I will purpose quality time blocks, when least expected, just because, to cherish those rare friends who I deem as close, who I love with all my heart.  My car crash in 09/23/04 taught me this valuable lesson!  Every second, every moment is precious, and death can happen to anyone, at any time, at any age!  Death does not recognize race, division, religion, politics, sex, color, all the wonderful categories we as humans can come up with to entertain ourselves to discuss and fight over.  Let’s get on with this truth and take it for the reality it is!

Message:   Be sure NOT to take familiarity with your friends for granted.  RESPECT THEM, TREAT THEM AS THE DIAMONDS THAT THEY ARE IN YOUR LIFE, just as, if not better than your clients.  True friends will be with you for the long haul, without the need for contracts.  Clients come and go, as valuable as they are… although there are exceptions there too, and boy am I blessed beyond measure in that department!  Why?  I EARNED IT, and will continue to earn their trust until my last breath on earth!
 
2.  Now… let’s look at the flip side -- "Free Loaders"  On a general note again, folks in general tend to take their friends’ businesses for granted.  For example, “Your friend is an attorney.  He totally gets you don’t have money right now, and so you are glad that he always takes care of your legal stuff every time you’ve reached out his way for help.”  Great right!  My answer, ABSOLUTELY NOT!  Don’t you find that selfish?  Does your attorney friend not have a family to feed?  Does your attorney friend not have bills to pay?  Does your attorney friend not have a day to day business to run, pay staff, and on top of all that, give you “free” service simply because he or she is “your friend”.  Guess who is paying for your “free” service? 
 
Did you take into account his time, his heart, his energy invested, on top of funds he invested to make up for the lack of monies received, adding more pressure to his plate, although he will NEVER tell you that, and instead, he will greet you with a smile, always with love and compassion!

Here is another example…This one I am drawing from my journey.  Growing up as a kid, I can’t tell you how many times I witnessed my family allowing “friends” to come into our family restaurant, and watching my grandmother provide them with “free” food and service.  Here comes the best part… not ONE of these so called “friends” ever offered to help, contribute tips to the waitress or waiter, you get the idea.  Oh it gets better… as if that wasn’t bad enough… these wonderful “friends” told their friends that they too will get the same service simply because of the connection with my family.  Seriously, gotta love such “referrals”.  I wish such “referrals” on NO ONE!  The term I believe we use in the states for such “friends” and “referrals” is “free loaders”.  Dare I say, purge them out of your circle!  You want sowers in your business, not takers!  I've seen too many businesses destroyed because of allowing "takers" to literally take them down!  Remember, your business is not just feeding your family, but also helping thousands of others.  Truly, not a difficult decision to make and implement going forward!  Y(our) call, y(our) choice! 

Look… for those "friends" who truly don't have funds right now to contribute into your business, does not mean they can’t do something to help.  They can certainly look for “PAYING” referrals to help you generate revenues as “value” for the services he or she received from you.  Good glory, I’ve got a whole list of things they can do to make sure you thrive in  your business. Honestly, NO EXCUSE NOT TO, and being friends does not entitle you or me to reap “FREE” anything!

3.  Wipe the Word “FREE” out of your vocabulary! 
In fact KICK “FREE” out to the curb, and never let “it” back into your house, into your business ever again!  If you ever catch me using this term or offering it, STOP ME and remind me of this note!  We all can work toward holding each other accountable and helping each other grow our businesses!  Here is the reality -- THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS FREE and anyone who tries to feed you that garbage whether in business or in life is feeding you just that, garbage.  Shame on us when we choose to buy into it!  Make no mistake, someone is ALWAYS paying the price somewhere, and we must never lose sight of this fact! 
 
4.  Business Partnerships
Those of you who are business partners, PLEASE take every measure to have each others’ back – CONTRACT OR NO CONTRACT – going forward!  Enough betrayals, lies, working with hidden agendas.  If you are such a person, do the honorable thing -- GET OUT of the relationship and don't choose your partner to nail to the coffin financially!  I have seen so many partnerships break up due to lies and “bad” hidden agendas that could have been completely prevented and avoided if both parties were HONEST from the very get go.  The best partnerships are those that form before any talks of money and a piece of paper to seal the bond / deal.  How do I know this… I am blessed with such partnerships and I am praying for anointed partnerships in all your lives!  WHY am I blessed?  I EARNED EACH ONE, and NOT overnight, which brings me to the next point which aligns with the image you see in this post.

5.  TRUST is Earned, not Freely Given!
Friends… I’ve got news for you.  For many of you a given, for others, a hurricane reminder, in either case, worth an encore!   Just because you are friends and partners over 10 years for example, does not entitle you or me to slip, not even for a second, no matter what age, culture, sex, religion, you get the idea.  Trust is earned EVERY DAY, not just in moments when things are convenient!  Bottom-line, make it a point everyday to earn TRUST, more than you would work loyally to earn a pay check, or do whatever it takes to close a sale to get a client!  Work faithfully to earn TRUST every day, in both sickness and in health for as long as you live, and wear this around your neck at all times!

6.  HONOR YOUR WORD!

When you make a promise to someone, do whatever it takes to honor your word, with or without a contract!  If you can’t do it right then and there, no problem.  Be open and honest with the party you made a commitment to, and as soon as you can, make it happen!  Don’t wait for him or her to call you, JUST DO IT!  Even if they cast less than positive judgments on you, due to  your unintentional delay in delivery of promise, let that be on their conscience, not your problem to deal with.  In the end, your actions with results will humble him or her.  Until then, don’t concern yourself with what he or she may think, simply because you are late on a promise.  

Before I continue here... very important that you understand that by me sharing this, is in no way advocating for you to make a habit out of being late on a promise!  Good glory no!  However, we are all blessed with those days where it’s raining “cats and dogs”, and we may feel stuck as to how to best handle, prioritize, fix and move on. When extenuating circumstances do kick in which in your mind take precedence, then take care of it, and don’t procrastinate!  During those unique times,  write down your promised commitments, remind yourself of it everyday, and as soon as you can,  focus on honoring your word to those you made promises to, and get it done!  Throughout that time, CHOOSE to stay in open communication with those you made promises to, even if embarrassing.  WHO CARES, just call, update!  Communicative action is better than silence and no action at all!  

Remember, all you can do is your best, and I promise you, for the most part, your best will always be more than good enough! Procrastinating, not taking the bull by its horns, is NO excuse!  Important to OWN your situation at all times, especially when you think you have no control over them.  In fact, I find just the opposite is true!  You have more control than you can imagine, if you just CHOOSE to own up to your promise in the best way you can, beginning with staying LOYAL to honoring your word, to someone -- and that originates with how faithful you are to honoring promises you make to yourself.  Think about it!
 
7.  Most important of all – Look up, stand up, and be grateful you are ALIVE! 
Why?  You have another day, another chance to make things right and do better!  For those of you who feel you are at the top of your game, who said it ends there?  We all have areas we can improve on, and we all have so much more to learn everyday, expert or not!  Let us not forget, what makes us beautiful is not our perfections, but rather our “imperfections!” 

That said, friends, there are no such things as mistakes, but only LIFE lessons so long as we choose to learn from them!   Mistakes only exist when we choose to ignore the lessons behind them, and quite frankly, don’t you and I own our choices, no matter how dire or exciting?

Hurricane Prayer:  Let's be proactive starting NOW, throughout 2011 and for years to follow!  Help your friends thrive in their businesses!  Surprise them!  Refer PAYING leads their way! Honor your promises to them!  Offer to find ways to help your friends generate revenues!  Think outside the expected boxes!  TRUST your friends, that in turn, they will also find ways to financially take care of you!  Reciprocity is a beautiful thing!  When there is a will, there ALWAYS is a way! 

ENJOY A THRIVING NEW YEAR ALL THE WAY THROUGH, and pass this message on to your friends!  You will be pleasantly surprised by the outcome! 

~Annie Armen
The Communications Artist

P.S.  In the event a friend doesn’t understand the message here and walks away, then give him or her space to walk away and grow up.  You will be a true friend in their life by doing so!  When they’re ready to return, embrace them back with open arms as if the past never happened!  Kudos to you for being such a great, walking example in their life! 

And now... The Hurricane is dashing off to celebrate what's left of New Years Eve for the rest of the evening!  HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!

2011 -- Not Business as Usual!

Hurricane 411 On the Latest Updates:

1.     Annie Armen Show --  As we enter our second decade, the theme for 2011 is: “NOT BUSINESS AS USUAL”.  But for a handful of regulars, who will also be contributing authors with me for this blog,  I will be HIGHLY selective with guests going forward!  Bluntly stated, the era of entertaining theories, philosophies, or even stories that corroborate theories and philosophies on how to become successful is over as far I am concerned! Instead, I am swooping up GO-GETTERS who relentlessly work in the trenches, ready to show you “HOW” to get from where you are to where you want to GO (as opposed to where you want to “be”) in tactical, practical steps THAT WORK!  Bottom-line, I am dedicating this year toward helping you, your company, your business and mine -- drive and generate revenues with impact.  Stay tuned for more Hurricane Announcements up ahead.

2.      WAAC Webinars you don’t want to miss!  Buckle up for announcements ahead.

3.      Speaking Events domestically and internationally in 2011.  More news later.

4.      Premiere launch of a comprehensive business book I was privileged to both manage, and contribute to as an author. Stay Tuned for exciting news to be mass publicized through the Annie Armen Show and through social media campaign in 2011.

5.     "Why Annie Armen” Professional page is now up on Facebook.  You are invited to visit us at http://www.facebook.com/WhyAnnieArmen and by all means, “like” us.  I appreciate your feedback, and just as important if not more, I value our connection!

6.     We are growing in leaps and bounds on Linkedin at http://www.linkedin.com/in/anniearmen   Send me an invite, and I will gladly accept!  As an open networker, I NEVER “IDK.”  For those of you who are new to Linkedin, "IDK" means “I don’t know” which in essence, is a negative ding toward your account if I hit “I don’t know” as opposed to clicking on “accept” to your invitation!

7.        Other Social Media Sites of Interest Where we can Connect:

1.         Twitter:           http://www.twitter.com/AnnieArmen
2.         You Tube:      http://www.youtube.com/user/anniearmen 
3.         Facebook:  http://www.facebook.com/WhyAnnieArmen

So how about it.  Let's take on business and life by the horns -- this time -- "Not Business
as Usual"!

___________


Clients and Service Providers:

1. In the course of generating mutual revenues, what key areas in business transactions have you experienced stumbling blocks toward achieving that end?
2. What were those stumbling blocks?
3. Lastly, what practical / tactical steps have you taken to overcome those stumbling blocks, and generate revenues in consistency over time? 

Look forward to hearing your rockin’ comments!

~Annie Armen
The Communications Artist